Whenever I see the lovely smile on the face of my sleeping child, I am always grateful for God’s grace from deep within my heart. During the years when I , Satan entices and interferes me, as well as tries to distance me from God all the time by taking advantage of my weaknesses, so as to achieve its purpose of devouring man. How intense the battle in the spiritual realm is! Looking back on the road I have walked, I thank God for His salvation from the bottom of my heart. It is God who leads me step by step so that I am not devoured by Satan and come before God gradually. When I recall those freeze-frames now, I feel the sweetness of peace in my heart.
As we had no child after marriage, my husband and I went to a provincial hospital to have a physical. The expert told us that I had such a slim chance of getting pregnant that we’d better give up and could only rely on science and technology. Later, my mother-in-law preached to me the gospel of ’s work in the last days and testified the words of Almighty God to me. I thought: “If I believe in God, will He bestow a child on me? God is almighty, isn’t He?” At that time, I merely wanted to gain grace from God and thus I accepted Almighty God’s work. While building up my health by rest and through nourishing food at home, I had meetings with the brothers and sisters. Then I had a very successful operation in the city hospital, and the whole family felt happy for me. I thought: Uh, believing in God is really good! God indeed protects and blesses me! I should do my utmost to believe in God. When all of us were immersed in the joy of my pregnancy, I miscarried two months later. That hit me like a thunderbolt and made me feel unbearable pain as if my heart was hollowed out. I couldn’t help complaining to God: “Doesn’t God protect man? Those who believe in God will receive peace, won’t they? Why have I lost my fetus? I’ve believed in God, why did this happen to me?” My mind was crowded with whys. Seeing that I was weak and passive, my mother-in-law fellowshiped with me and pointed out that there was a battle in the spiritual realm, I should not complain about it. She said that we believers in God should obey His sovereignty and only such a person is a wise man. But I wouldn’t listen to her and thought believing in God did me no good. I even had a thought of betraying God. Afterward, I felt too depressed to stay at home. So, a month later I found a job in the place where my husband worked.
I thought that my husband would take more care of me after my miscarriage. But during the several months when we stayed together, we often quarreled with each other over some trivial matters and this brought me more suffering. In my heart, I felt extremely confused about our life in future. As a person who had little faith in God, I also forgot to pray to Him. However, God didn’t have the heart to see me living in suffering, and He arranged people, matters and things around me to touch my heart. There was a church near our lodging, from which I could hear the hymns sometimes. One day, after hearing the hymns again, I suddenly realized that I had accepted Almighty God’s work in the last days. I had listened to the testimony my mother-in-law bore to me and read s. I knew that the stage of work of the had passed and He has already returned to do the new work, while the people in the religious church don’t know that. Yet God graced me and let me know that. How great a blessing it is! I thought in my heart: Today, God is gracious toward me and lets me hear the gospel of the kingdom and know that Almighty God is the second coming of the Lord Jesus. With such a great salvation coming to me, I should go back home and continue believing in and worshiping God. This idea became stronger and stronger in my heart, so I started on a journey home soon.
When I came home, my mother-in-law kept on giving thanks to God and advised me to have meetings. She talked with me about my miscarriage and said behind it there was a battle in the spiritual world. At that time, I felt I was enlightened in her fellowship and could understand somewhat of God’s words. I saw God’s words say, “Everything God has done in humanity has been to make them positive and allow them to grow up in life. Can people not comprehend this? Everything that causes you to be negative is a weak point of yours; it is a vital point of vulnerability, open to Satan’s attacks. Do you understand this?” (“The Interpretation of the Thirty-fifth Utterance”). “In every step of work that God does within people, externally it appears to be interactions between people, as if born of human arrangements, or from human interference. But behind the scenes, every step of work, and everything that happens, is a wager made by Satan before God, and requires people to stand firm in their testimony to God. Take when Job was tried, for example: Behind the scenes, Satan was making a bet with God, and what happened to Job was the deeds of men, and the interference of men. Behind every step that God does in you is Satan’s wager with God—behind it all is a battle” (“Only Loving God Is Truly Believing in God”). God’s words awakened me. I realized that Satan’s gaze had been fixed on me since I believed in God. It knew that my biggest weakness was that I had wanted a child. Therefore, by using my intention of wanting to gain blessings through believing in God, Satan attacked and disturbed me and made me have a miscarriage. As a result, I misunderstood and complained to God. It wanted to see whether I would continue my belief in God. It is in this way that Satan fools me. All my suffering is caused by Satan. It disturbs and devours man in every way in order to ultimately make man stray from and betray God. It is too insidious, malicious and hateful. At the same time, I see behind everything that happens is Satan’s wager with God and what God wants is my testimony to Him. When I complained to God and even wanted to leave Him at that time, I just ran into Satan’s cunning schemes. No wonder when I left God and worked away from home, I was disappointed and often quarreled with my husband, living in misery. This was because after I strayed from God, Satan toyed and harmed me as it would like. Nevertheless, God never left me, and He still guided me during those painful days. By making me hear the hymns from the church, He led me to come before Him again. After knowing the bottom of all those things, I saw God’s care, protection, and His grandeur. Although Satan’s gaze was fixed on me, like a tiger eyeing its prey, God was always beside me and kept me. He moved my heart and spirit and led me to continue my path ahead through people, events, and objects around me, protecting me from struggling painfully under Satan’s domain. I once complained to God and misunderstood His heart, yet He did not treat me according to my every action, but still loved me. Thinking of this, I said to God in my heart, “O Almighty God! Thank You for bringing me back to Your family again and let me enjoy the watering and provision of Your words. I won’t leave You anymore, and I am willing to follow You and experience Your work.”
Afterward, by constantly reading God’s word, I gradually understood that I always wanted to control my own fate and had my own ambition and desires, which was my weaknesses. If this could not be solved as early as possible, Satan would always exploit my weaknesses and attack me. Then, I consciously tried to equip myself with that aspect of truth. I read that God’s words say: “Because people do not recognize God’s orchestrations and God’s sovereignty, they always face fate defiantly, with a rebellious attitude, and always want to cast off God’s authority and sovereignty and the things fate has in store, hoping in vain to change their current circumstances and alter their fate. But they can never succeed; they are thwarted at every turn. This struggle, which takes place deep in one’s soul, is painful; the pain is unforgettable…. But when you truly know, when you truly come to recognize that God has sovereignty over human fate, when you truly understand that everything God has planned for and decided for you is a great benefit, and is a great protection, then you feel your pain gradually lighten, and the whole of you become relaxed, free, liberated” (“God Himself, the Unique III” ). From God’s word, I realized that everyone cannot control his own fate and all matters and all things are dictated and arranged by God. Thinking back to my past, I placed trust in medical science to get a child. Although I was pregnant after the operation, I miscarried two months later and got nothing in vain. I was teased by Satan and suffered untold misery and hardship. “I don’t want to be fooled by Satan any longer. All things are controlled in God’s hand. I am willing to obey, for what God arranges for me is the best. I really had no sense to have my hands outstretched to God for grace and blessings. From now on, I won’t do that.” When I thought in this way, I felt at ease. However, God’s mercy unexpectedly reached me: I got pregnant once more! All our families could not believe that, because my husband and I had not consulted a doctor after my miscarriage. Even the doctor said before that it was hopeless for me to get pregnant normally, but it came true. I could not help crying with excitement and thanking God unceasingly in my heart.
I learn from my experience that when we stray far from God, we can only be fooled by Satan and lived in suffering. Only by coming before God and obeying His sovereignty and arrangements, can we break free from Satan’s interference and receive God’s protection and blessing. Recalling what I experienced in the course, I see clearly that when people have their children and what happened at what time are all decreed by God. Now, my child is two years old, growing up in good health day by day. Along my life journey of following God, I feel extremely happy, and this is all because of God’s grace for me. All the glory be to Almighty God!