Stop Endless Squabbling With My Husband

By Zhuiqiu, Malaysia

I’m a cosmetologist and my husband is a farmer. We knew each other in an activity: throwing of mandarin oranges in Malaysia. One year later, we had a church wedding in the presence of a priest as a witness. When I heard the priest praying for our marriage, my eyes became moist, and I prayed to God within silently, “I hope this man can look after and take care of me without change or surcease and can accompany me through my whole life.” At that moment, I was deeply moved, even feeling my heart were weeping unceasingly.

After truly entering into the marriage, the conflicts between us began to appear. Every day, my husband went out to sell vegetables at past 4 a.m., and went back at past 7 p.m., but when I went off work, it was already over 10 p.m., so we seldom got along with each other. When I dragged my exhausted body home, I wished to gain his concern, care and understanding, such as: asking me how my work was going or whether I felt happy or not. However, almost every time when I went back home, I saw him either watching TV or playing with his phone and sometimes he even didn’t greet me, as if I didn’t exist. Seeing these scenes, I felt very depressed.

Sometimes, when I experienced some friction with my colleagues or customers, I would complain to him. Once, there were some conflicts between my customer and me in my work. I felt very troubled, so I complained to him after going back home, but he just responded “Oh” as he played with his phone. Seeing he gave me a cold shoulder, I said in a tone of anger: “Have you heard what I said?” He looked up at me and said, “Yes!” Then he continued to bow his head playing. His indifferent attitude toward me made me feel very hurt. So I shouted at him, “Can’t you reply me since you’ve heard? Are you a wooden figure? Can’t you chat? Do I also need to speak with you through the phone?” Seeing I started to nag, he didn’t pay mind to me anymore. The more he didn’t speak, the angrier I became in my heart, insisting on forcing him to speak, so I kept speaking. While speaking, he suddenly yelled, “Quite enough chatter!” I was so frightened that I suddenly stopped speaking. But right after that, I continued quarreling with him and my voice was louder than his. Finally, not until he stopped speaking first did our quarrels come to an end. On another occasion, I spoke about my grievance in my work to him. I thought he would comfort me, but to my surprise, he actually said, “All you have seen is others’ problems, but you are unable to look for the reason within yourself. It takes two to tango.” His words made me mad. I thought: What type of person is he? He even doesn’t know how to coax his own wife, just like a fool. Afterward, I seldom told him about the matters I encountered in my company because I thought even if I told him, he couldn’t be understanding of my feelings. Later, he also tried to ask something about my job, but I had already been in no mood to respond him. Gradually, he questioned me no further, and the things we could talk about became less and less. When I encountered troublesome matters again, I would go out to drink with and complain to my friends and sometimes I didn’t go back home until dawn. Seeing I often went home so late, my husband said I had treated my house as a hotel and even my mother-in-law and brother-in-law also put the blame onto me, which made me feel quite unbalanced inside. Hence, I was even more resentful of my husband, feeling he didn’t have the ability to protect me. As a result, we constantly quarreled with each other. Sometimes, after quarreling, he didn’t talk with me for several days or even a week. I was even angrier by this, feeling that he must have grown weary of me.

One night, after supper, I played with my child on the sofa, my child in my arms and my husband was playing with his stuff. I asked him, “Do you hate me? Why do you always give me the cold shoulder? If you have some thoughts about me, just speak them out straightly!” He didn’t utter a word, so I continued asking until he really became impatient and then he yelled toward me, “Don’t ask anymore. Every day you all have so many questions. Bored stiff!” Seeing his such a reaction, my anger rose immediately: “You didn’t answer my question yet you are so mean. What do you want on earth? How could I marry somebody like you?!” Then, we started to quarrel with each other. While quarreling, he stood up and gave me a push, and I suddenly fell to the sofa. Seeing he actually came to blow with me, I couldn’t bear anymore. I felt I had no way to continue to live with him anymore, so I put my child down and ran into the room in tears to find our marriage certificate. Upon seeing I have found it, he came to grab. During the process of disputing, his body pressed on my wrist. Immediately, I felt a heart-piercing pain—my wrist fractured. At that moment, my heart was almost broken: Is he really my husband I selected carefully? Is this the marriage I have expected? I’m his wife! How could he do this to me? From then on, I didn’t hold onto any hope for him.

In April, 2016, by chance, a sister preached the Lord Jesusgospel to me and said, “The Lord loves us and for the sake of saving us, he was nailed to the cross.” I was influenced by the Lord’s love, so I accepted His gospel. Afterward, I told the pastors of our church the problems between my husband and me. They told me, “Only when we change ourselves first can we change others. We should love our neighbors as ourselves and love our enemies, just like the Lord.” So I tried to change myself: After work, I no longer found my friends to drink; when I saw my husband ignore me and I wanted to lose my temper, I would pray to the Lord and ask Him to grant me a forgiving heart; sometimes even if I quarreled with him, later on, I would try to get through the impasse. Seeing my changes, my husband also believed in the Lord with me. After believing in the Lord, the quarrels between us became less. Seeing the Lord’s salvation of us, I was moved very much.

However, as time passed, I found that we still couldn’t control our emotions and fights often broke out between us. Especially when one of us was not in a good mood, we would both have no patience and tolerance. Consequently we quarreled more bitterly. After every quarrel, I would feel very painful within. So I prayed to the Lord, “O Lord, You taught us to love our enemies, but I really can’t do it. When seeing what my husband did didn’t accord with my will, I would have many defiant and dissatisfied things in my heart. O Lord, what should I do?” Later, I actively attended all the courses organized by our church, hoping to find a way out, but I failed at last. Then I asked the group leader for help. But he just replied, “I also often quarrel with my wife. Even Paul also said, ‘For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwells no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not’ (Romans 7:18). We all can’t do anything about it.” Instantly, I felt very blank: Could it be that we have to go through our whole lifetime in the quarrel?

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