By Lin Min, China
The Expectation of Dreams
My parents had quarreled with each other every day since I could remember. I often thought: Maybe Cupid has made a mistake. Otherwise, why do they always quarrel with each other? I won’t do that as they do when I grow up.
Being young, in order to seek the dream in my heart, I wholeheartedly immersed myself in Qiongyao’s novels. Every mushy love story deeply attracted my heart and lingered in my mind all the time. I weaved sweet and happy dreams of love and family for myself, longing to grow up quickly, get married earlier and live a happy and sweet life as the heroines.
The Pursuit of Dreams
However, dreams were beautiful, but the reality was cruel.
I had never imagined that my first marriage would suffer misfortune. When I learned that my husband betrayed me, I, who thought “Love is above all,” couldn’t bear his overstepping the bounds and then chose to leave without any hesitation.
The failure of the marriage didn’t defeat my heart. With dreams, I began my second marriage. He made a promise to me, “I’ll let you be the happiest bride in the world. Though I have no money, I will take good care of you forever. I won’t let you suffer any harm again.” How guileless these words were! Though the promise differed from the sweet and caressing words of the heroes in the novels, it comforted my hurt heart. With tears brimming in my eyes, I thought excitedly: I must live well with him, holding his hands and accompanying him until old age.
After the marriage, all I possessed were my husband, the promise and a little house of less than forty square meters. On the crude table, there was only a plate of salted vegetables and a bowl of rice, but we still ate them with relish. Though the life was a bit hard, I felt sweet in my heart.
The Breaking of Dreams
Just when I wholeheartedly immersed myself in happiness, a sudden nightmare happened …
I suddenly found that my husband became taciturn and the unusual coldness took the place of his former smile and sincerity. I spent a period of time restlessly. The thing that made me frightened still occurred. He indeed had an affair. By chance, I saw them go out of the supermarket hand in hand, talking and laughing, and get into a car together. My heart was broken.
In order to keep my dream and to preserve my family, I made compromises and did my utmost to turn his heart around. When he came back occasionally, I talked with him about our past and our memorable wedding. For the sake of a better communication, I set up a diary for heart-to-heart talks and drew cartoons carefully with my heart. I drew our past, present and future. Moreover, I drew my will of hoping him to have a change of heart. For the purpose of pleasing him, I hid my sorrow and suppressed my inner pain to play military chess with him … However, the reality beat me awake again from my dream. His clothing became more and more fashionable, and he began not to return home at night. Even if he came back home occasionally, he was very cold. We became the most familiar stranger to each other.
Thereafter, quarrels became common. Finally, one time, he pointed to me with anger, then slammed the door and left. Looking at his figure disappearing in a wet evening, I ran to the street to look for him crazily. Under the dim streetlight, I couldn’t see the light, and didn’t know where to go. At that moment, my spirit completely collapsed. Faced with two failures of the marriage and the disillusionment of dreams, I really had no courage to live on. I thought about dying, but I was not reconciled: Is this the destination of my life? What should my aged parents do if I die? My daughter has lost her father’s love, how can she live on if she also loses me? … To live is hard, but why is it also so hard to die?
It was still raining. I walked in a trance, letting the rain and tears wash my face freely. My heart was bleeding. Scene after scene of the past appeared in front of me: Hope, promise, wedding, a diary for heart-to-heart talks, dream, trickery, disappointment, despair and a tray of military chess snubbed and set aside. I had weaved the dream of “holding one’s hand and accompanying him until old age” since I was in my girlhood. This “beautiful” dream accompanied me throughout my growth, and accompanied me through sufferings and hardships. Even if my youth had passed away, I didn’t give up seeking it. But now, the “beautiful” dream actually became a shackle binding me tightly. Was it really a dream, a fictional dream?
The Moment of Waking From the Dreams
When I was in extreme pain, I saw God’s words: “The Almighty has mercy on these people who suffer deeply. At the same time, He is fed up with these people who have no consciousness, because He has to wait too long for the answer from humans. He desires to seek, seek your heart and your spirit. He wants to bring you food and water and to awaken you, so you are no longer thirsty, no longer hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel the desolation of this world, do not be perplexed, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival any time” (“The Sighing of the Almighty”). God’s words let me, who felt deeply desolate, lonely and helpless in my heart, gain the warmth I had never had before. I never thought: There is such a firm love in this desolate world. God is watching and waiting for me to return to His side any time. Reading God’s words with tears in my eyes, I, like an orphan who finally came back to his mother’s embrace, couldn’t help but burst out weeping, filled with gratitude to God within.
Thinking of the people at present, they have already been corrupted so that they all have lost code of ethics and morals and take lust and opposite sex for their enjoyment. Man has become even more evil and debauched, which is very common in society. Couples and lovers are betraying each other. People are all fooled so that they feel sad and empty, and feel like preferring death to living. But I couldn’t understand why I was also addicted to it so much?
God’s words solved my confusion, “When the wind of a trend blows through, perhaps only a small number of people will become the trendsetters. They start off doing this kind of thing, accepting this kind of idea or this kind of perspective. The majority of people, however, in the midst of their unawareness, will still be continually infected, assimilated and attracted by this kind of trend, until they all unknowingly and involuntarily accept it, and are all submerged in and controlled by it. For man who is not of sound body and mind, who never knows what is truth, who cannot tell the difference between positive and negative things, these kinds of trends one after another make them all willingly accept these trends, the life view, the life philosophies and values that come from Satan. They accept what Satan tells them on how to approach life and the way to live that Satan ‘bestows’ on them. They have not the strength, neither do they have the ability, much less the awareness to resist” (“God Himself, the Unique VI”). I suddenly realized: The reason why I have bitterly sought empty love these years is that I have been swallowed and assimilated by the wind of the evil worldly trend from Satan. I grew up in a family filled up with quarrels from my childhood. As I was influenced by novels, I harbored illusions about love and longed to find a sincere love in real life just like that in the novels. But I never expected that my hope became despair. Both my former and present husband were deeply influenced by the evil trends, such as “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” and “The Red Flag does not fall at home, yet colorful flags flutter outside.” They betrayed the marriage, abandoned the promises once they made, were taken up with another woman, and lived a dissipated life, while I had been a victim of the evil trend when I pursued the love of “holding one’s hand and accompanying him until old age.” Even though I suffered the betrayal at first, I still firmly wanted to seek the true love again. The betrayal of my present husband completely shattered my dream of love. For the sake of this dream, I lost my character and dignity, endured his betrayal, and tried all I could do to win back his heart and to maintain the family. In spite of my many efforts, I gained scars and wounds at last. I was tricked by Satan so much that I was exhausted and miserable.
God Watches Me With Love Silently
From God’s words and my courses in life over dozens of years, I have truly experienced that God has silently been watching by my side all the time. He watches me as I grow up and accompanies me through each step of my life. When I was grieved and was in despair, God felt sorrow for me, but I didn’t know it at all. When I suffered the sudden misfortune and didn’t know what to do, God comforted my hurt soul with His gentle words and brought me before Him. When I was fooled and afflicted by Satan, it was God’s words that led me to differentiate between the positive and the negative so that I could find the root of my pain. God used His loving hand to support me over and over again so that I could come out of confusion and agony and find the direction of life. Such efforts and love had no impurities or taking. God only wanted to save me from Satan’s domain. Just as God says, “Because the essence of God is holy, that means that only through God can you walk the bright, right road through life; only through God can you know the meaning of life, only through God can you live out a real life, possess the truth, know the truth, and only through God can you obtain life from the truth. Only God Himself can help you shun evil and deliver you from the harm and control of Satan. Besides God, no one and nothing can save you from the sea of suffering so that you suffer no longer: This is determined by the essence of God. Only God Himself saves you so selflessly, only God is ultimately responsible for your future, for your destiny and for your life, and He arranges all things for you. This is something that nothing created or non-created can achieve. Because nothing created or non-created possesses an essence of God such as this, no person or thing has the ability to save you or to lead you. This is the importance of God’s essence to man” (“God Himself, the Unique VI”). Now I truly experienced that only God is love, only God is my unique Savior and only God is worthy of my following all my life.
After understanding these, I was relieved within. I knew: Only believing in God is the right path of life and only by believing in God and worshiping Him can I live a meaningful life. I will say goodbye to the fancy life in the past and sacrifice the rest of my life to spend for God and repay His love. Thereafter, I began to read God’s words hungrily and lived the church life. Soon, I performed my duty as a created being in God’s family. Now, I can face the failure of the marriage calmly and I am no longer in agony because of the empty love. Thank God for His salvation!
All the glory be to God!