Mom, I Don’t Hate You Now
By Huan Ran, Korea
Young Yu Xi snuggled in her mother’s arms, enjoying the warmth from her mother’s patting. Yu Xi sang softly: “Mom is the best in the world, a kid who has a mom is like a gem. Snuggling into a mom’s arms, a kid enjoys endless happiness. It’s most upsetting for a kid to have no mom. A kid who has no mom is like grass. Leaving a mom’s arms, where he can go to find happiness …” Glancing at her father cooking in the kitchen, Yu Xi smiled, and she really hoped this moment could last forever and her family would never separate.
A nightmare awakened Yu Xi. She faintly heard her parents’ conversation. All of a sudden, she heard the word “divorce.” She couldn’t believe her ears, then she thought: What? Mom is going to leave dad and I? Awhile later, Yu Xi heard her father begging her mother: “It’s okay if you don’t think for me, but you should think for Yu Xi! She is young and still needs the care of a mother, how could you bear to leave her? I’m begging you, let’s not divorce but live peacefully together, please?” Yu Xi’s mom kept quiet, and she seemed to have made up her mind to leave. A long while later, Yu Xi heard her father snapping at her mom: “If you insist on divorcing, then you have to leave hundred thousand Yuan, otherwise there is no way! If you still insist, I’ll make sure you will suffer as well, since I’m going to lose everything!” Hearing this, Yu Xi couldn’t hold back her tears anymore and cried in her bed. Yu Xi’s parents stopped quarreling after hearing Yu Xi’s cry. That whole night, Yu Xi tossed and turned on her bed, unable to sleep. The young Yu Xi continuously thought: How can I keep this family together? How can I stop my parents from divorcing?
The next day, her mother told Yu Xi that she was not going to divorce with her father, but she had left a lot of luggage at her work place, so she needed to get them back, and she promised to live peacefully with them after she returned. Yu Xi was delighted after hearing that. She thought, regardless of her parents’ conflicts, her mom still loved her and would return to this family for her. But little did she know it was a beautiful fantasy. At night, Yu Xi’s father prepared a sumptuous dinner and they were all her mom’s favorite dishes. Yu Xi and Her father stood by the road, waiting eagerly for her mom’s return. However, after the last bus passed by, they still hadn’t seen her mother yet. Yu Xi’s father pulled a long face and dragged Yu Xi, who was still reluctant to leave back home. Later, the phone rang. Yu Xi thought it must be her mother, so she picked up the call urgently and cried: “Mom! Mom! Where are you? Dad and I are still waiting for you, why aren’t you back yet?” On the other side of the phone, Yu Xi’s mom replied decisively: “Don’t wait for me! I’m never going back to that house anymore!” Hearing this, Yu Xi standing by the phone felt shocked, and her tears blurred her vision. Her heart was broken, and she did not understand why her mother was so heartless, and why she left her, much less could she accept the fact that her mom lied to her. Yu Xi couldn’t help but doubt whether her mother had ever loved her and this family throughout the eleven years.
This call broke this family and ruined a kid’s childhood. From that day on, Yu Xi’s father had mental breakdowns, and he was depressed and bathed in tears all day long, while her mom followed a rich man to a far-away city. As Yu Xi watched, her father had become older suddenly, her heart was broken. So, she secretly resolved: “Father is very weak, so I must not be sad anymore. From now on I must be strong and thoughtful. I must not be my father’s burden but work hard to be a real delight!” Afterward, Yu Xi often made use of her spare time to do chores and studied hard to comfort her father with good grades. She always behaved in a strong and optimistic manner in front of her father, but even so she still wasn’t able to appease him. Yu Xi’s father locked himself in the room every day, unwilling to see anyone. Though he was 40 years old, his heart was frail. He was afraid to meet his friends and relatives, and also afraid that they would mention his divorce, for he felt that his dignity had suffered a great blow.
One day, when Yu Xi was getting ready for school, she walked past her father’s room and saw him crying sadly. She became sad as well, and then she went up to him, hugged him and said: “Dad, what has happened? Don’t be sad …” Looking at Yu Xi, her father held back his tears and said in despair: “Yu Xi, your dad is useless. I can’t give you a happy family. I have lived fecklessly and in pain all my life. After I married your mom and your mom gave birth to you, I thought I would live happily, but I did not expect your mom to follow another man. I don’t want to live anymore, but I can’t bear to leave you alone. Let’s die together and be relieved from this painful life.” Staring at her father, Yu Xi was in great agony. Then she hugged her father tightly and persuaded him: “Dad, this is not the end! You still have me; I will be with you forever! Please, carry on living for me!” Looking at his sensible and well-behaved daughter, Yu Xi’s father could no longer conceal his sorrow. Both of them started crying out loud in the room.
Afterward, Yu Xi found out her father suffered depression because of excessive sadness, and that he already had liver diseases and needed rest, but the failure in his marriage made it worse. Now his face was always pale and he also suffered unbearable pain in his liver. Looking at her father on the bed, Yu Xi always hid in a corner to cry, feeling unprecedentedly lonely and afraid in this moment. She was afraid one day she would lose her father. She was lost and confused, not knowing why people had to live in adversity and pain. There were many times when Yu Xi even wanted to die, but she couldn’t do it thinking of her sick father. Every time when Yu Xi thought of this, she hated her mother even more. She thought the reason that she left them was because her father was poor, and that she was just a money-grubber and never satisfied with what she had. These thoughts intensified Yu Xi’s hatred towards her mother. She believed all her pain and misfortunes were caused by her mother, and that she had single-handedly destroyed their family.
As time slipped by, Yu Xi was in her third year in junior high school and it was time for her to take the high school entrance examination. But because she was too stressed, she suffered myocarditis. If she got a little tired, she would suffer shortness of breath and chest pain. The doctor said she required sufficient rest, and myocarditis would lead to heart diseases if without proper treatment. Yu Xi never expected to have heart disease at such a young and beautiful age. In order to treat her illness, her father brought her to several hospitals. Looking at those hospital bills, Yu Xi felt very helpless and perplexed, for she knew clearly how her family’s economic situation was. So she lied to her father, saying that her illness had been cured and she did not feel pain anymore. Yu Xi’s father was thrilled, and he thought Yu Xi’s illness was really cured, so he stopped bringing her to hospitals. Afterward, Yu Xi would force herself to bear the pain and not make any noise when the illness hit her. She carried on like this every day. She always thought: “Perhaps one day I will die when I can’t stand the pain anymore. How does death exactly feel like? It must feel easier than living, right?” After the examination, Yu Xi didn’t manage to go to the school she wanted. She didn’t know how to face her future, losing her direction and goal in life. Staring into the sky, she pondered: “If my parents didn’t divorce, perhaps my father would not suffer depression and I would not have myocarditis; if my parents didn’t divorce, perhaps we would still live happily together and I would get into my dream school; if … However, there were no ifs in reality.”
After leaving home, Yu Xi’s mother did not live the happy life she dreamed about, instead she experienced a lot of misfortunes and pain, and in the end she went to Korea. She always missed Yu Xi and often called Yu Xi to repent for hurting Yu Xi and bringing pain to her. However, Yu Xi only picked up the call but never spoke a word every time. Although the divorce happened 10 years ago, Yu Xi was never able to let go of her resentment toward her mother. She thought her mother could only blame herself for all her misfortunes, and that her repentances were lies. Mother’s betrayal, father’s pain and all Yu Xi’s adversities made her live depressed and in pain every day. She also often had nightmares, and even thought that her life had no hope.
Just when Yu Xi was feeling helpless and frustrated in life, her friend Zhan Yan spread God’sof kingdom to her. Zhan Yan told Yu Xi: “We will encounter many adversities and pain throughout our whole life, but no one can help us to get rid of these pains. Only God is our reliance. We are the creations of God, He presides over the fate of mankind. God is always by our side caring for and protecting us. As long as we pray to God sincerely, rely on God and seek to understand the truth in everything, He will open up a path for us, solving all our difficulties and questions and resolving the pain in our hearts.” Zhan Yan’s words gave Yu Xi hope. She questioned herself: “Does God really exist? Is He really able to resolve all my pain?” Yu Xi was unsure, but she felt if she had God as her reliance, at least she would not be alone anymore. So, Yu Xi told Zhan Yan she wanted to . Zhan Yan gave a book of ’s utterance to her, asking her to read it thoroughly, and told her, “The book is the personal utterances of God of the last days. His words reveal the truths and mysteries of all things, and inside the book involves truths for many aspects, including the truths of God’s work and dispositions, the origin of mankind, value and significance of existence of mankind, roots of mankind’s pain, mankind’s final outcome and destination, how to change mankind’s corrupt dispositions, etc. If we understand the truths, then we will know how to solve all our problems and difficulties.”
Flipping open the book, Yu Xi saw a paragraph: “The Almighty has mercy on these people who suffer deeply. At the same time, He is fed up with these people who have no consciousness, because He has to wait too long for the answer from humans. He desires to seek, seek your heart and your spirit. He wants to bring you food and water and to awaken you, so you are no longer thirsty, no longer hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel the desolation of this world, do not be perplexed, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival any time. He is watching by your side, waiting for you to turn back. He is waiting for the day your memory suddenly recovers: becoming conscious of the fact that you came from God, somehow and somewhere once lost, falling unconscious on the roadside, and then, unknowingly having a father. You further realize that the Almighty has been watching there, awaiting your return all along.” After reading God’s words, many thoughts ran through her mind. There was an indescribable feeling that touched her heart. Yu Xi recalled: She lived in a broken family since young, and her mother’s abandonment, father’s depression caused her to feel lonely. When she failed to enter a good high school, she felt even more lonely and afraid, full of confusion and fear for her path ahead. She wasn’t sure how to continue living, losing the hope of life and feeling painful and very helpless. However, God’s words made Yu Xi feel that she was not alone, but had God as her reliance, and that God was always by her side caring for and protecting her, waiting for her to return before Him. Hearing God’s call, Yu Xi felt God’s love and salvation. From that day onwards, Yu Xi read God’s words, prayed to God every day and opened up to God to tell Him all her pain. She also had gatherings with brothers and sisters to fellowship about God’s words. Gradually, Yu Xi became happy, and all her annoyance and worry were cast to the winds. Unconsciously, Yu Xi’s myocarditis was also finally cured, which made Yu Xi more convinced that God truly exists and He is her only reliance.
One day, Yu Xi saw God’s words say: “In truth, out of the myriad things in God’s creation, man is the lowest. Though he is the master of all things, man is the only one among them that is subject to Satan’s trickery, the only one that falls prey in endless ways to its corruption. Man has never had sovereignty over himself. Most people live in the foul place of Satan, and suffer its derision; it teases them this way and that till they are half alive, enduring every vicissitude, every hardship in the human world. After toying with them, Satan puts an end to their destiny. And so people go through their whole lives in a daze of confusion.” “One after another, all these trends carry an evil influence that continually degenerates man, that lowers their morals and their quality of character more and more, to the extent that we can even say the majority of people now have no integrity, no humanity, neither do they have any conscience, much less any reason. … The majority of people, however, in the midst of their unawareness, will still be continually infected, assimilated and attracted by this kind of trend, until they all unknowingly and involuntarily accept it, and are all submerged in and controlled by it. For man who is not of sound body and mind, who never knows what is truth, who cannot tell the difference between positive and negative things, these kinds of trends one after another make them all willingly accept these trends, the life view, the life philosophies and values that come from Satan. They accept what Satan tells them on how to approach life and the way to live that Satan ‘bestows’ on them. They have not the strength, neither do they have the ability, much less the awareness to resist.” Pondering God’s words, Yu Xi was awakened. She realized the reason of man’s corruption was because Satan had corrupted us. Satan instilled all those venom into us by using evil trends, making us become more and more selfish, ignorant, anomic, evil and corrupted. Yu Xi understood that all the misfortunes she had experienced since her youth were all caused by Satan. She realized: “My mother is tempted by the satanic venom ‘Money is first’ as well, thinking that finding a rich man would bring her happiness, therefore she cruelly left me and my dad to go off to other places, regardless of our feelings. As a result, both my dad and I were hurt, and she also lived in misery. Hasn’t she fallen into Satan’s schemes to be afflicted by Satan?” Thinking of this, Yu Xi felt Satan’s ignobility and evil: Because of Satan’s afflictions, her father lived in misery. Yu Xi, still a child, also became a victim of the evil trends and lived in pain. At this moment, Yu Xi truly felt that people who lived under the domain of Satan were all so helpless, pitiful and pathetic. Without God’s salvation, she could only live in Satan’s bondage, and in the end she would be ruined and swallowed by it. Unwittingly, Yu Xi seemed to see through many things, so that she felt much relieved in her heart and slowly let go of her resentment toward her mother.
Afterward, Yu Xi read another paragraph of God’s words: “Because the essence of God is holy, that means that only through God can you walk the bright, right road through life; only through God can you know the meaning of life, only through God can you live out a real life, possess the truth, know the truth, and only through God can you obtain life from the truth. Only God Himself can help you shun evil and deliver you from the harm and control of Satan. Besides God, no one and nothing can save you from the sea of suffering so that you suffer no longer: This is determined by the essence of God.” After reading God’s words, Yu Xi truly felt God’s love and salvation, and that God’s essence is holy and beautiful. She recalled the dark and helpless past: She suffered Satan’s affliction every day, living in pain and torment, and she even lost the courage of life. However, now she came before God, prayed to Him and read His words every day. Her heart and soul did not suffer from Satan’s bondage anymore, but felt an unprecedented peace and ease. By knowing some truths, she was able to see through the evil substance of Satan corrupting and swallowing man, to distinguish between positive and negative things and abandon negative things, and her heart was not controlled by resentment and she obtained true relief and freedom. This was all God’s salvation for her. Apart from God, no one can free themselves from the influence and bondage of Satan. Thinking of this, Yu Xi was filled with gratitude for God. She felt God’s words are medicine for curing man’s misery, and she was cured by them.
In July, 2014, Yu Xi boarded the plane to Korea. Separated from her mother for 11 years, when seeing her mother’s old face, she hugged her and both of them cried bitterly. Looking at her grown-up daughter, Yu Xi’s mother felt she was in debt to her daughter and blamed herself: “It was all because of my selfishness that I couldn’t be by your side. I do not deserve to be your mother.” Listening to her mother’s words of remorse, Yu Xi told her mother she used to hate her, but now she believed in God, and it was God’s words that guided her and made her let go of her resentment toward her. Now she read God’s words with brothers and sisters every day, shared each other’s experiences and performed their own duties, living an enriched and happy life. Yu Xi’s mother wept again hearing her experiences, and she said sobbingly: “At first I thought you would hate me and never forgive me. I did not expect you to be still so kind-hearted. You did not go on the crooked path but grew so healthy and tall. God really saved you and took care of you day and night.” After hearing these words, Yu Xi’s heart was filled with gratitude for God. Recalling all these years, she had experienced many misfortunes, illness and adversities. She thought: God is always by my side caring for and protecting me, otherwise my life would probably have ended way before. Gradually, Yu Xi realized, within all the things that had happened in her life, there was God’s good will. If she had not experienced those hardships, she would not have understood the truth and seen through the truth of Satan corrupting mankind, then how could she obtain God’s care and protection and walk on the right path of human life?
Now Yu Xi and her mother resolved their misunderstandings, and her father also walked out of depression. There are no more painful and sorrowful memories in her life, but the freedom she obtained from experiencing God’s work. She truly felt God’s salvation for her. Now she is spreading the testimony of God’s work to more people, helping those people who are still hovering in pain to come before God and accept God’s salvation sooner. Yu Xi feels that being able to know God and follow Him is the most happy, meaningful and valuable thing in her life!