By Song Zhen
Editor’s Note: Every woman hopes to have a wonderful, happy marriage in which husband and wife love each other for a lifetime, but this doesn’t always go as people wish it to. Although everyone vows at their wedding “till death do us part,” there are all sorts of variables in life after the wedding. Christian Song Zhen and her husband were married for 20 years. After being heartlessly betrayed by him, how can she, in so much pain, come out from the haze of the divorce?
A Secret Agreement on Paper
One day in late 2010, my husband left for a business trip. In a safe in his office I accidentally caught sight of an exquisitely made little box with an agreement on paper hidden at the very bottom. Opening it up, I saw that it was a “sugar baby” agreement he had drawn up with a woman in her 20s. I suddenly heard a buzzing sound in my head and my mind went utterly blank. My hands were trembling and my legs were shaking and I quickly fell to the floor, unable to move. I really didn’t dare believe that my husband upon whom I had always depended had actually betrayed me.
I thought of how we had started an auto parts business together entirely from scratch, supporting and encouraging each other every step of the way. We went through so many bumps in the road to get to where we were then. There had been so many holidays and anniversaries, and my husband had always bought me gifts like a silver or gold jewelry, trying to make me happy. After nearly two decades of marriage, you could say we had gone through thick and thin together. I never could have imagined that he would betray me like that. It was like a knife twisting in my heart—I lay in bed crying loudly, allowing my tears to soak through my pillow. I absolutely could not accept this fact, but could just cry out in my heart over and over, “How could he do that? Why would he betray me? I’ve given so much for our family over these years of marriage but this is how he treats me and our home. Could his heart possibly have any peace?”
My husband’s betrayal was like having a knife suddenly, viciously stabbed into my heart—it hurt so much that I felt like I was being ripped apart. I was full of hatred for that woman who had torn our home apart. Lacking any self-respect at such a young age—she was worthless! I passed every day after that in the torment of that pain, unable to eat or sleep, practically in a trance. Sometimes when my children would talk to me, if I didn’t just stare blankly without a response, I’d say something irrelevant. Every day that went by felt like a year.
I Do Everything to Win Him Back but He Is Set on His Betrayal
At long last, the time for my husband to return from his trip came around. I smacked the agreement onto the table in front of him and asked him what was going on. To my surprise, he said nonchalantly, “These days any man who has some means is keeping a mistress, and anyone who doesn’t have is seen as useless. It’s just a sugar baby and sugar daddy relationship between the two of us, so I’m not going to develop feelings for her—our home is still my top priority. You should feel proud of having a husband like me!”
Hearing him say this so shamelessly made my entire body quiver with rage. I felt shamed, wronged, and resentful—these all welled up in my heart together. I would have loved to have rushed at him and given him some good, hard slaps in the face. Hysterical, I yelled at him, “Having a husband like you is a humiliation for me. I was so blind to get married to you!” Tears started pouring out of my eyes before I could even finish. After I was done crying I thought of how I had put so much hard work into our 20 years of marriage, only to be undermined by a mistress this way. I couldn’t accept it, so I told myself, “I can’t bow my head to this other woman. I have to save my marriage.”
I then went to China Mobile to get a copy of my husband’s call records and found the woman’s phone number. I wanted to meet her and have a talk with her. Unexpectedly, she kept evading me and even got a new phone number. I thought to myself, “You can run, but you can’t hide. If you don’t show your face I’ll think of a way to find your parents and reveal the ugly truth of you meddling in someone else’s marriage so that everyone knows you’re a homewrecker—then your reputation will be ruined!” I went to the police station to try to find her true identity, but wasn’t able to. I had no choice but to give up on that plan. I argued with my husband after that, and so that I wouldn’t be able to find her, he secretly bought another house and started living with her. I was on the verge of a breakdown when I found out about it, unable to eat or sleep. Whenever I heard that someone had seen him and his mistress at some entertainment venue or another, I would go crazy and go there to look for them no matter how far away it was, whether it was day or night, or even if the two children were locked inside the house.
Over that period of time I was both mentally and physically exhausted. My heart wasn’t in my work at all, and I even had thoughts of death, but every time I saw the faces of my poor little children I would let go of any thoughts of suicide. But I still couldn’t accept things the way they were, so I kept working to get my marriage back. I tried scaring my husband by not taking care of the children, but he had absolutely no reaction. I got his elders and friends to go exhort him, but he wouldn’t listen to any advice and would just shoo them out. Seeing him behaving so heartlessly was demoralizing for me, but at the same time, I was full of hatred and a desire for revenge. I thought, “You’ve wronged me and have made my life miserable, so I’ll make sure yours is too! Not only will I sue the two of you, but I’ll humiliate you, drag your names through the mud. I won’t let you two get off easily!”
A Ray of Light Shines Into My Desperate Heart
Just as I was seething with hatred and living every day in pain I couldn’t extricate myself from, my husband’s sister gave me a book of God’s words and asked me to read it frequently, and said that only God could soothe every wound in my heart. She also played a hymn for me—my tears welled up when I heard these lyrics sung: “As a sojourner, I was wandering the world, my heart full of darkness and without a shred of hope” (“I Am Walking on the Road to the Kingdom” in Follow the Lamb and Sing New Songs). I felt that this hymn perfectly expressed my current condition in life. I thought back on how, for the sake of the marriage and for a wonderful, happy home, I had silently given what I could and worked hard without complaint, never expecting that what I’d get in return would be my husband’s heartless betrayal. He was the one closest to me and it was he who hurt me most deeply. I didn’t know who in the world I could trust anymore and felt I was in so much pain that I was on the verge of suffocating. I felt so desolate and helpless and had lost hope in life. If it hadn’t been for my two kids, I didn’t know what reason I would have to go on living.
My whole face was wet with tears after listening to the hymn, and then my sister-in-law read this excerpt from God’s words for me: “Humanity, having strayed from the Almighty’s provision of life, is ignorant of the purpose of existence, but fears death nonetheless. They are without help or support, yet still reluctant to close their eyes, and they steel themselves to drag out an ignoble existence in this world, sacks of flesh with no sense of their own souls. … The Almighty has mercy on these people who have suffered deeply; at the same time, He is fed up with these people who lack consciousness, as He has had to wait too long for an answer from humanity. He wishes to seek, to seek your heart and your spirit, to bring you water and food and to awaken you, that you may no longer be thirsty and hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel something of the bleak desolation of this world, do not be lost, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival at any time” (“The Sighing of the Almighty”). I broke down in tears upon hearing these words from God. They felt like a current of warmth flowing into my heart leaving me with a strong feeling of intimacy and tenderness. Just when my husband’s betrayal left me feeling pessimistic and despondent about the people in this world plus alone with no one to lean on, God’s salvation came upon me. I experienced God’s love and concern for me by listening to that hymn and reading God’s words, and realized that He had always been beside me waiting and caring for me, waiting for me to return to His side. At that moment, I felt like an orphaned, helpless child who hears his mother’s call—I felt that after years of being lost I had finally returned to my mother’s side.
After accepting God’s work I began frequently gathering with brothers and sisters, reading God’s words and singing hymns in praise of God. When I felt upset I would pray to God and with the guidance of His words my state of mind improved greatly—I once again felt that I had something to depend on in life. About one month later, I heard that my husband’s mistress had demanded assets and official status, and when he didn’t accede she just disappeared. That’s how his dalliance ended. I secretly rejoiced thinking that this would set my husband on an honest path from then on out, and for the sake of our children, I worked hard to forget about the past and make a new start with him.
Finding a Child’s Birth Certificate in My Husband’s Briefcase
Early 2014 one morning as I was straightening up my husband’s office, I happened to notice that he had a copy of a child’s birth certificate in his briefcase, but it was filled in with him as the father, and a 17-year-old girl as the mother. The address was filled in as the place he had shared with his previous mistress. Seeing evidence of another betrayal cut me to the quick—I struggled to breathe and tears rolled involuntarily down my face. I just didn’t understand—why did he have to hurt me this way over and over again? I was utterly devastated, and hatred once again welled up inside of me. I thought, “There’s no honor in not seeking revenge. You’ve betrayed me and hurt me time and time again, and this time there’s no way I’m going to let you off so easily. I’m definitely going to get a lawyer and sue you. You’re so unfeeling, you can’t blame me if I’m ruthless!” In that moment, hatred completely took over my heart; I was dying to go straight to the court to report him for the crime of bigamy so I could vent my hatred by seeing him sitting in jail.
With Hatred in My Bones God’s Words Soothe My Heart’s Wounds
When I had gathered conclusive evidence and was getting ready to take my husband to court, I suddenly thought of the fact that I’m a person of faith and when encountering an issue, I can’t be impulsive or act upon my hot-bloodedness—this gave me pause. However, the hatred kept eating up my heart leaving me in incredible pain. All I could do was seek out two sisters from the church to cry my heart out to, and I told them about what I was thinking. An older sister said, holding my hand, “Oh, sister! Even if you did sue your husband, you wouldn’t be able to resolve the root of the issue, and it would only bring you more pain. You’ve been taken in by Satan’s trickery—it wants you to live within hatred, and to have you and your husband hurt each other and become enemies, to fight a lose-lose battle, and then both of you will be living within suffering that you can’t escape. We’re believers now, and God’s words can resolve all of our difficulties. Let’s read His words together.”
After I had taken a moment to calm myself down, she read me a passage of God’s words. “One after another, all these trends carry an evil influence that continually degenerates man, causing them to continually lose conscience, humanity and reason, and that lowers their morals and their quality of character more and more, to the extent that we can even say the majority of people now have no integrity, no humanity, neither do they have any conscience, much less any reason. So what are these trends? You cannot see these trends with the naked eye. When the wind of a trend blows through, perhaps only a small number of people will become the trendsetters. They start off doing this kind of thing, accepting this kind of idea or this kind of perspective. The majority of people, however, in the midst of their unawareness, will still be continually infected, assimilated and attracted by this kind of trend, until they all unknowingly and involuntarily accept it, and are all submerged in and controlled by it. For man who is not of sound body and mind, who never knows what is truth, who cannot tell the difference between positive and negative things, these kinds of trends one after another make them all willingly accept these trends, the life view and values that come from Satan. They accept what Satan tells them on how to approach life and the way to live that Satan ‘bestows’ on them. They have not the strength, neither do they have the ability, much less the awareness to resist” (“God Himself, the Unique VI”).
This sister shared in fellowship, “God’s words are very clear. The reason that feelings between people are so weak and that originally loving couples betray each other is rooted in the evil trends that Satan gives rise to. Satan exploits all sorts of evil sayings and fallacies to confuse and poison people, such as ‘Men go bad when they get money, and women get money when they go bad,’ ‘The red flag at home does not fall, the colored flags outside flutter in the breeze,’ ‘Don’t ask for eternity, be happy with now,’ ‘Despising poverty but not prostitution,’ ‘Without a mistress, a man has no zest for life,’ and ‘without a lover, a woman is no better than a sow.’ A lot of people are inculcated with these erroneous ideas without even realizing it—their outlook on life and values have been twisted. A lot of men think that having a mistress or supporting a lover are displays of competence, and without that, not only do they seem useless but will be looked down on by others. A lot of women become mistresses or live off of a rich partner for the sake of money and material enjoyment, thinking nothing of selling their own bodies in exchange for material benefits. They live caught up in their fleshly desires, completely indulging themselves and shamelessly thinking that their charm can win others’ favor. Poisoned by these satanic, evil thoughts and trends, people no longer place importance upon marriage and fidelity or responsibilities to their family or relatives, but instead on satisfying their fleshly desires and sinking into promiscuity and corruption. They are constantly seeking out entertainment, living in a drunken stupor; gradually, they lose their conscience, reason, character, and dignity, becoming more and more lacking in humanity, more and more evil and depraved. In today’s society, degeneracy is constantly on the rise and evil holds power; divorce and remarriage rates are always going up and more and more people are having extramarital affairs. Who knows how many loving couples become terrible enemies and how many homes are broken because of that, leaving countless children with indelible spiritual wounds and resulting in one homicide case after another. All of these are consequences of the encroachment and the poison of evil trends. When people aren’t believers and don’t understand the truth, they lack discernment between positive and negative things. On top of that, after we as human beings were corrupted by Satan, we all started to lust after fleshly pleasures and adore evil; Satan takes this opportunity to use evil fallacies to lure us in, confuse us, and harm us so that our corruption grows deeper and deeper. Just like your husband—he was always in and out of star-rated hotels and high-class entertainment venues like karaoke places, so he was surrounded by temptation and tests, and on top of that he was steeped in and harmed by all those satanic heresies and fallacies. He no longer saw having a mistress as a shameful thing, but as something that makes him look capable and took it as a badge of honor, to the point that he lost all reason and conscience and did things to hurt and betray you. The one we should hate is Satan, because it is the one harming and toying with people. It is the chief culprit.”
I realized from God’s words and this sister’s fellowship that my husband had been impacted by and steeped in evil, satanic trends because he didn’t understand the truth and lacked discernment, and that was the only reason he had betrayed me over and over. I thought back to the past—he was always trying to do better and really cared for the family. He was wonderful to me and the children. But ever since we became well off he started constantly going out with friends and was in and out of lots of entertainment venues, so he gradually started to follow along with the general evil practices in society. He completely changed and started to see having a lover as a status symbol, and keeping a mistress as a joy in life to the point that he sunk into evil trends, becoming depraved to the point that he lost hold of his moral baseline, his conscience, and his character. He also lost his sense of responsibility as a father and a husband. Wasn’t my husband keeping a mistress a classic example of someone who has been corrupted by Satan and is following along with evil trends? I then went on to think that his mistresses are also victims of Satan’s corruption—they think that being someone’s lover means that they are charming and are good enough to be with a rich man, so even though they clearly knew that he had a family they were still with him shamelessly. They even showed it off in front of others, totally lacking any character or dignity. I saw that when we lack the truth, we simply can’t help but live under Satan’s rule and become corrupted and manipulated by it, all the while thinking that it’s enjoyable. It’s really so pathetic, so sad! I then suddenly felt a release in my heart after having felt so stifled for so long, and I could even breathe easier. It was truly thanks to God—if it hadn’t been for His words revealing the root of the problem I would have still been living within pain and torturing myself, being toyed with by Satan and suffering incredibly.
After gaining understanding of all these things, I prayed to God, “Oh God! Now I realize that my own pain was due to Satan’s damage. From now on I wish to rely on You more and live by Your words. God, may You guide me so that I can let go of my hatred for my husband and his mistress and no longer be manipulated and harmed by Satan.” After praying I tried to let go of my thoughts of getting revenge on my husband, and whenever I felt upset I would pray to God, listen to hymns of God’s words, and also read more of His words. After keeping this up for a few days my feelings of anxiety abated. Afraid that I was in an unstable state and I might do something extreme, my sisters frequently read God’s words for me and shared fellowship with me on, helping me see through Satan’s tricks and not do anything in a fit of temper. Thanks to God, with the guidance of God’s words and my sisters by my side and helping me, I calmed down considerably.
One day, I read these words from God: “The emotions of mankind are selfish and belong to the world of darkness. They do not exist for the sake of the will, much less for the plan of God, and so man and God can never be spoken of in the same breath. God is forever supreme and ever honorable, while man is forever base, forever worthless. This is because God is forever making sacrifices and devoting Himself to mankind; man, however, forever takes and strives only for himself. God is forever taking pains for mankind’s survival, yet man never contributes anything for the sake of the light or for righteousness. Even if man makes an effort for a time, it is so weak that it cannot withstand a single blow, for the effort of man is always for his own sake and not for others. Man is always selfish, while God is forever selfless” (“It Is Very Important to Understand God’s Disposition”). Reading this left me feeling really uncomfortable. It’s so true! Only God is holy and selfless. I thought of how the supreme God has incarnated twice and lived alongside us for the sake of our salvation; He has suffered incredible humiliations and He has endured the pursuit and persecution of the powers that be as well as judgment, slander, and rejection from the religious world. He’s suffered greatly, but God never seeks recompense and He has never demanded anything from us. Instead, He has been doing the work of saving mankind in total obscurity. God’s essence is so holy, so beautiful and good! But as people, we are selfish and despicable by nature and we all live for the sake of satisfying our own lusts. Whatever we do, we do it with our own interests as the goal. When my husband was good to me and was able to live with me in harmony, I thought he was great; when he betrayed me, I just wanted to get revenge on him and live by Satan’s laws of survival such as “If you’re not kind, I won’t be just!” and “There’s no honor in not seeking revenge.” Only then did I realize that I loved my husband because he had doted on me and loved me; it was for my own fleshly benefit. But when my own fleshly interests were damaged I was filled with hatred for him and even went hunting for evidence to sue him and his mistress, and only seeing the two of them in jail would have made me happy. Isn’t that incredibly selfish and malicious? Isn’t that entirely lacking in proper humanity? Once I understood these things I prayed to God and stopped planning how to take revenge on my husband. I also became unwilling to be taken in by Satan’s tricks, or be manipulated or harmed by it anymore. I resolved to read God’s words more, let go of the hate within my heart, and to pursue fearing God and shunning evil, and being someone who is able to glorify and bear witness to God.
The Mistress Stirs Things Up and I Face It Calmly With God’s Love and Protection
Just as I was becoming somewhat able to let go of my hatred for my husband and his mistress, a test from Satan came upon me.
One afternoon I went into work to affix a document with an accountant’s stamp. Just as I was walking up to my husband’s office door I saw his mistress in there speaking with him very flirtatiously. When she saw me she walked out of his office, put her nose in the air, and swiveled her hips. It seemed she was intentionally walking by me in a provocative way. For a moment I was incredibly angry and stamped on the floor loudly with my high heels; I was dying to go up to her and shame her. I thought, “You’re the one provoking me. You should know where you stand—this is my company. You’re so arrogant!” Just as I was thinking of giving her a piece of my mind, I suddenly thought of the resolve I set when praying to God. I silently called out to God to guard my heart so that I wouldn’t be taken in by Satan, and wouldn’t act rashly. Through God’s protection, my heart was gradually calmed.
After returning home that evening I read this passage of God’s words: “In every step of work that God does within people, externally it appears to be interactions between people, as if born of human arrangements, or from human interference. But behind the scenes, every step of work, and everything that happens, is a wager made by Satan before God, and requires people to stand firm in theirto God” (“Only Loving God Is Truly Believing in God”). God’s words allowed me to understand that there is a spiritual battle behind the environments as well as the people, events, and things that I encounter every day. This is Satan and God making bets, and I must stand witness for God. What I faced that day looked like my husband’s mistress provoking me, but in fact it was Satan testing me. It was using that to rile me up so that I would once again be living within pain and hate that I couldn’t pull myself out of, so I would be battling with his mistress and both of us would lose. Then it would achieve its aim of continuing to hurt me and manipulate me. Satan is so evil and so despicable!
I later read these words from God: “It’s very simple now: Look upon Me with your heart and your spirit will immediately become strong, you will have a path to practice and I will guide your every step. My word shall be revealed to you at all times and in all places. No matter where or when, or how adverse the environment is, I will show you clearly and My heart shall be revealed to you if you look to Me with your heart; this way you will run down the road ahead and never lose your way” (“Chapter 13” of Utterances ofin the Beginning). God’s words pointed out the correct path of practice for me: Lean on God! It’s true—only God is my true support, and only God is closest to me. No matter what comes upon me, I have to pray to God, seek from Him, and open my heart up to Him. After that I can seek the truth to resolve my problems, put God’s words into practice, and not live within discord. That way I can’t be toyed with by Satan, and I’ll naturally triumph over Satan’s tests.
Letting Go of Hate Frees My Heart
In the following days I was very intentional about acting according to God’s words, praying to Him more and drawing closer to Him, and when thoughts that weren’t in line with His will occurred to me, I prayed to God so that I could forsake myself. After that I would seek out relevant words of God and the truth that could resolve my issues. When I learned to let go of my hatred that way and put God’s words into practice, my heart gradually brightened. When I went to work I didn’t care too much about whether I would run into my husband’s mistress there, and even when I did see her I wasn’t impacted by her. I still did whatever I needed to do and only thought about doing my own work. One time she deliberately stood at the door of my husband’s office facing toward my office and said loudly, “My husband, my darling.” I just silently prayed to God and asked Him to protect me from becoming angry or jealous so I could face it calmly. When I drew close to God that way He watched over my heart so gradually I was no longer upset or angry with jealousy.
One afternoon in March 2018, I went into the office to get a document. When I walked by my husband’s office I saw that his mistress was in there by herself. I felt totally calm. When she saw me come in, she closed the door and quietly slipped out. As I was leaving, I thought, “I don’t care if you walk away or if you provoke me—I won’t start anything with you. There’s no point in fighting with you over this.”
Once I let go of my hatred my mind opened a lot, and gradually, Satan’s poisons of “If you’re not kind, I won’t be just!” and “There’s no honor in not seeking revenge” that were entrenched in my heart slowly lost their control over me. I was later elevated by God and was able to perform my duty within the church, and while performing my duty I frequently drew close to God. Most of my energy was spent on reading God’s words, listening to sermons and fellowship, and performing my duty. The hate I felt for my husband and his mistress went from strong to weak, and ultimately it disappeared bit by bit. Thanks to God, all of this was the outcome achieved by God’s words in me.
And now, the scars I was left with from my husband’s betrayal have gradually faded away. I perform my duty within the church and frequently read God’s words and have fellowship on the truth with brothers and sisters. Every one of my days is full and happy and I’m becoming more and more open-minded. However, things haven’t been going so well for my husband. He deals with the business’ affairs day in and day out plus he has to worry about taking his mistress’ kid to and from school. When he encounters some sort of difficulty I help if I can, and if I can’t, I let him know directly and handle it properly. When the kids develop resentment or prejudice against him, I guide them to not live within hatred, and after that they’re able to let go of their ill feelings toward him. I’m clear within my heart that it was God’s words that relieved me of my evil intentions to take revenge on my husband and his mistress, allowing me to live out a bit of a human likeness. If it hadn’t been for the enlightenment and guidance of God’s words, I certainly would have taken the path of taking revenge on them out of hatred. Even if I hadn’t gotten him into jail it would have ended up in a fight to the death with him, and we would all be living in pain, being devastated and manipulated by Satan. I give thanks to God for His salvation for me! God’s words are the truth and are the only backup force in my life going forward. It was God’s words that led me to come out from the morass of my marital betrayal step by step, allowing me to show a brilliant smile on my face and feel full of hope for life.