By Li Yiyi
After graduating from vocational secondary school, I took a job as a cashier. Two years later, seeing that my friends were all in love, I also found a boyfriend who not only was handsome but also had a superior family background and decent job. As his father was a director of a bank, I got a job in that bank. Four years after that, my boyfriend and I joined our lives together in matrimony.
When coming back after the honeymoon, my husband and I threw ourselves into our own work, and we usually spent our evenings and holidays with friends. As we had been in love for four years and got along well after marriage, I believed that we, with a strong mutual affection as the foundation of our marriage, would certainly love each other forever and grow old together.
The next year after marriage, my daughter was born, and then my life became extremely busy: I worked full time during the day and took care of my daughter the rest of the time, and thus I spent less time with my husband and he often went out having fun with friends alone after work. In the beginning, he could return home at a reasonable hour, but before long, he returned home later and later. Yet, I didn’t think much of it and just felt it was normal for him to hang out with his friends.
One day, a close friend of mine told me that my husband was having an affair, and that he even had brought that woman to his house. Hearing this news, I immediately felt dizzy, and my tears fell down like pearls from a broken string. I was unable to hear what he said after that and could barely believe that my husband should do such a thing.
Aside from the sorrow, I, with a shred of hope, asked my husband whether he had an affair. He replied to me with silence, which made me feel as if the sky had fallen. In an instant, I felt that my husband became very estranged, and that the love between people was too fragile to stand the test of time and beauty.
From then on, my husband hardly talked with me, except when he entertained our daughter, and he deliberately avoided me at home: Whenever I was in the bedroom, he would stay in the living room; once I came to the living room, he would go into the bedroom. Watching his receding figure, and recalling the time that we spent together, I felt anguished. In the evening, he often called that woman secretly, and chatted with her for half an hour, sometimes even an hour; sometimes as soon as his phone rang, he would go out right away and stay out all night. Watching his motorbike until it vanished from sight, I felt heartbroken, and bathed my face in tears.
One midnight, my daughter had a cold and vomited violently, making a mess of the bed. I hurriedly phoned my husband and asked him to return home and look after our daughter; unexpectedly, he not only didn’t come back, but even swore at me. Hearing this, I feebly hung up the phone and wrapped my daughter over one year old, crying uncontrollably. At that moment, I asked myself: Where is love? Why did my husband, who once said I was the only one he would love, betray me? I wanted to question him: Where is your family responsibility? It doesn’t matter that you don’t love me, but don’t you care about our lovely daughter? Our family has just been built up; we can’t live without you …
In order to give my daughter a happy family, and retrieve the lost love, I racked my brain for any possible way: going to a fortune teller, pleading with that woman’s parents, requesting our companies’ leaders to resolve this problem, dressing myself up, and keeping the house tidy and spotless. Nevertheless, all my efforts came to naught—my husband still refused to come back, and even asked me for a divorce several times. I didn’t agree to it no matter what, for I feared being laughed at by others, and, what’s more, I didn’t want my daughter to grow up in a single-parent family.
Afterward, I confided my pain to a close colleague, hoping to gain her sympathy and help, but she spread it around; I complained of hardship to my classmates, hoping to get their care, yet they took pleasure in my misfortune; I poured out my complaints to my mother-in-law, hoping that she could be fair and speak for me, but she actually said it was my fault. … Faced with such things, I was utterly desperate, enveloped in endless suffering: Where is love, really? Is there really love between couples, friends and relatives? I repeatedly sought for it, but only had my heart broken time and time again. Therefore, I closed my heart since then, and no longer dared to seek for love …
One day three years later, I went to my mother’s and ran into my elder sister who worked away from home. I poured out my pain to her, and she said: “Sister, you’re not the only person that can’t find love in the world, for man is so selfish that they have no love for others. The true love is from God, and only God loves man most. Let me sing a hymn for you, ‘God Is Seeking Your Heart and Your Spirit’:
‘1. Mankind, who left the supply of life from the Almighty, does not know why they exist, and yet fears death. There is no support, no help, but mankind is still reluctant to close their eyes, braving it all, drags out an ignoble existence in this world in bodies without the consciousness of souls. You live like such, with no hope; he exists like such, with no aim. There is only the Holy One in the legend who will come to save those who moan in suffering and long desperately for His arrival. This belief cannot be realized so far in the people who are unconscious. However, the people still yearn for it so.
‘2. The Almighty has mercy on these people who suffer deeply. At the same time, He is fed up with these people who have no consciousness, because He has to wait too long for the answer from humans. He desires to seek, seek your heart and your spirit. He wants to bring you food and water and to awaken you, so you are no longer thirsty, no longer hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel the desolation of this world, do not be perplexed, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival any time.
‘3. He is watching by your side, waiting for you to turn back. He is waiting for the day your memory suddenly recovers: becoming conscious of the fact that you came from God, somehow and somewhere once lost, falling unconscious on the roadside, and then, unknowingly having a father. You further realize that the Almighty has been watching there, awaiting your return all along.
‘4. He longs bitterly, waiting for a response without an answer. His watching is priceless and is for the heart and the spirit of humans. Perhaps this watching is indefinite, and perhaps this watching is at its end. But you should know exactly where your heart and spirit are now. Perhaps this watching is indefinite, and perhaps this watching is at its end. But you should know exactly where your heart and spirit are now’ (Follow the Lamb and Sing New Songs).”
I listened with full attention, and the more I listened, the more moved I was, and I felt that these words were so good. Thinking back to these years, I’ve given my whole heart to my husband and offered all my love to our family, but what did I get in return? I was abandoned by my husband, hated by my mother-in-law, and even laughed at by my classmates. Turns out that the love which I have always been looking for is only possessed by God, not by anybody. In that moment, I felt loved and my heart was awakened by God’s words, tears trickling down my cheeks. Then my sister continued: “Despite the unhappy marriage, you’ve gained God’s love; it’s worth it. Almighty God is the one true God who created the heavens and the earth and everything, as well as us mankind. Today, God has come to earth to save people like us who are suffering deeply. You should. God chose us and loves us; we are all blessed.” Hearing my sister’s warm words, and tasting God’s love, I felt warm in my heart, and then I said to my sister: “I’ll believe in Almighty God!”
When associating with my brothers and sisters in the church, at first, I refrained from opening myself up and sharing my failed marriage with them for fear that they would look down on me. Afterward, during the gatherings, I found all of them focused on fellowshiping their own experiences in daily life. For example, when faced with something, if without the guidance of God’s words, they would live in torment and lose peace and assuredness in their hearts, yet when they entrusted things to God and depended on Him, He would open up a way out for them and guide them to walk out from the difficulties and sufferings, and then they would achieve liberation and freedom. From their experiences, I saw God’s love for man and appreciated that God is really our ever-present help. From then on, I began to pour my heart to my sisters, and they not only didn’t look down on me because of my unhappy marriage, but instead shared God’s words with me, comforting and encouraging me to courageously face the reality. I felt this was the love from God, which couldn’t be found in the world. Gradually, my sorrowful and painful heart attained comfort and liberation.
One day, I read God’s words: “In truth, out of the myriad things in God’s creation, man is the lowest. Though he is the master of all things, man is the only one among them that is subject to Satan’s trickery, the only one that falls prey in endless ways to its corruption. Man has never had sovereignty over himself. Most people live in the foul place of Satan, and suffer its derision; it teases them this way and that till they are half alive, enduring every vicissitude, every hardship in the human world. After toying with them, Satan puts an end to their destiny. And so people go through their whole lives in a daze of confusion, never once enjoying the good things that God has prepared for them, but instead being damaged by Satan and left in tatters.” From God’s words, I came to realize: After being corrupted by Satan, we all live under the domain of Satan and live in corruption. The poison of Satan “Everyone for himself and the devil take the hindmost” has become the source of our existence, which makes us more and more selfish. We do what is advantageous to ourselves, ignoring the feelings of others. Especially, in today’s evil age when having affairs has become trends, man’s mind becomes warped; they are no longer responsible for or loyal to marriage, but are indulgent of flesh and lust, and the joy of sin, completely losing the integrity and dignity that a normal person should have. Not only I, but my husband’s elder sister, as well as my two classmates, all lived in torment because our husbands had affairs. Thinking back, when I tried my best, yet still failed to change my husband’s heart, I had thought of dating other guys to retaliate against him. It was just because I cared about other people’s gazes that I didn’t take the evil step. I was also controlled by the satanic saying “Everyone for himself and the devil take the hindmost,” and no longer had any love toward my husband, just having a little forgiveness and tolerance for him.
One night, after my husband got off the phone with that woman, I couldn’t bare it any longer, and rushed into the room, wanting to argue with him and then part company with him. At that time, I saw a pair of scissors on the table, and then I raised the scissors, and said: “I’m gonna kill you and then end my life.” Unexpectedly, he calmly closed his eyes and said: “Just do it.” Seeing this, I was stunned: How could I, who never quarreled with others, nearly become a murderer? I felt myself awful and pathetic, and then put down the scissors. Afterward, I sank into contemplation: Although my husband has an affair, actually, he is unhappy. He often smoked alone, wearing a dispirited look. He is no longer the youthful and energetic man that he was in the past. Why did we still involuntarily hurt each other even though we clearly knew that it would only cause pain to ourselves?
Later I understood: The entire human race has been corrupted by Satan, and extramarital affair is the product of the evil world. As long as we live under Satan’s domain, we will be afflicted by it involuntarily. Failing to see clearly that there was no true love in the world, I used to hope that my husband would have a change of heart one day. In the past three years, I’ve tried so hard to maintain the broken family all alone, living a miserable life. Thank God for saving me from the suffering, or I didn’t dare to imagine how my future life would be. At the thought of this, I suddenly felt that God’s words are so precious, and determined to change my way of living. I no longer wanted to retrieve the marriage by my own efforts; instead, I was willing to place everything in God’s hands and let God lead every day of my life.
From then on, I eagerly read God’s words, such as “God Presides Over the Fate of All Mankind,” “God Is the Source of Man’s Life,” “Those Who Love God Will Forever Live Within His Light,” “Restoring the Normal Life of Man and Taking Him to a Wonderful Destination,” and so on. From God’s words, I understood many life’s mysteries, and my heart was attracted by God’s words, and no longer occupied by my husband. When my husband gave me the cold shoulder, I would pray to God in my heart and ask Him to ease my pain; when my husband didn’t return home all night long, I would eat and drink God’s words and sing hymns, and gradually, my heart was touched and attracted by God’s words, and I didn’t think what my husband did outside; when my mother-in-law was bad to me, I could view it according to God’s words, and no longer placed extravagant hopes on getting her understanding and help.
When I practiced in this way, I discovered that my husband spent more time staying at home and playing with our daughter, and that his attitude toward me was different than it had been before. I knew very well that all these were God’s deeds, and that how our marriage would be is controlled by God’s hands. I’m only willing to submit to the orchestrations and arrangements of God, cherish the days of being led by God, spend more time reading God’s words, and take God’s words as the principles of my actions, living out a true life. Just as God says: “People come to the earth and it is rare to encounter Me, and it is also rare to have the opportunity to seek and to gain the truth. Why would you not prize this beautiful time as the right path of pursuit in this life?”