By Xiang Ming
The moonlight shone through the window into my room. Sitting at the computer table by the window, I recalled the scenes of my past. My heart was full of gratitude for the salvation of God.
Since I could remember, my parents always quarreled with each other. As I got older, every time they quarreled, I was itching to leave this home. At that time, I always thought: In the future, I must marry one man who can treat me well and then I will live a happy life with him.
I met my husband at a party. He was steady and quiet, and he got a soft spot for me as well. Then we fell in love with each other. During those times we spent together, all along my parents disapproved of our love relationship, and said that he was of a low moral character. Yet, after knowing this, in order to be with me, he kneeled to my parents. As the saying goes, “A man keeps his gold below his knees.” Additionally, his pride was really strong. It could be seen that I was so important in his heart. I believed that such a person would be able to give me the happiest marriage. So, I was full of fantasies about my future and married him resolutely.
After we got married, because my husband was very competent, our family conditions improved in two years. Later on, we bought a computer. At the beginning, he merely played cards on the computer. Afterward, he began to chat online with others. And I found that when surfing the Internet, he always kept the door of his bedroom closed, which made me feel there might be something wrong with him. Therefore, I began to check his chat logs on the computer, and through it, I found that he actually had affections for a woman online. I was amazed that those words were so soft, for he hadn’t spoken to me like that. After I questioned him about this matter again and again, he finally acknowledged it and even said that as long as he had the opportunity, he would go meet that woman. What he said surprised me a lot, and I thought to myself: “He shouldn’t be such kind of person. I always think no matter who else has an affair, he won’t. He has been reliable outwardly and taking the responsibility to support our family; how can he have changed?” I could not understand it. At that time, I told him firmly that he must give up his idea. After that, he no longer contacted that woman. Since my husband obeyed my words in this matter, I felt very happy. In any case, our family was preserved. I believed that this was merely a small mistake that he had made on occasion, and he would no longer do this again.
However, I would have never thought that in the spring of the next year, my husband actually had an affair with my younger brother’s wife, which was simply devastating for me, like thunder through a clear sky. I asked in my heart: I regarded my sister-in-law as my own sister; how could she “repay” me like this? In order to marry me, my husband kneeled to my parents, and he once regarded me as the treasure of his life; how could he cheat on me? For a moment, I felt some confusion in my heart and did not know how to deal with it. What remained in my heart was just pain and hatred of them. I really wanted to ask them: You are all my relatives, but why did you treat me like this? I wished I could keep my dignity and not behave like other women, but I couldn’t. For the purpose of my husband having a change of heart, I began to track him. Afterward, I cried, quarreled with him and also threatened him. I even tried my utmost to tussle with my sister-in-law. But all my efforts came to naught, and moreover, my husband no longer talked to me. His heartlessness froze me, and made me think: Is he still that man who was willing to kneel for marrying me? Was I blind not to see clearly that he originally was a man like this? Or am I not good enough in his eyes to deserve his lifelong cherishing? I could not understand it. This blow made me sink into pain and unable to extricate myself from it. In the following days, he had no words to say to me, and we each stayed in our respective rooms. This situation made me feel very embarrassed and I was so painful that I almost suffocated. I couldn’t bear such excruciating life and was in despair. Then I thought of extricating myself through death.
When I had the sleeping pills ready and was about to take them, I hesitated, for I thought of my daughter: She is so lovely and clever. Sometimes after getting tired of playing, she covers herself with a small quilt. Additionally, she is praised by all her teachers. How can I bear to abandon her? If I die, who will take care of her? At that time, her lovely little face kept appearing in my mind. I really couldn’t bear to abandon her, so I dropped the idea of committing suicide.
Unexpectedly, an even greater disaster lay waiting for me. After knowing this matter, my brother was simply mad with anger. He came furiously to get even with my husband. I never expected that my husband was beaten by my brother to death during their fight. At the news, I sobbed my heart out. Even though my husband had betrayed me, I did not hope that he would lose his life, nor would my daughter lose her father. I was about to be overburdened and be driven mad by these pains. Thus, apart from eating and sleeping, I thought about nothing. I was afraid that if I continued thinking about these things, I would become a madwoman.
In the winter of that year, every time I was waiting for my daughter coming home after her evening study session, I would always sit on the cold concrete platform in the small yard, looking up at the starlit sky with tears flowing down unwittingly. I felt that the moon, the stars, and my face were all cold, and my heart felt despair. Looking up at the vast sky, I cried in my heart: Why is my life so difficult and my marriage such a fiasco? What will other people think of me? However, I had no place to hide myself. From then on, only pain and sadness remained in my heart. I was so afraid of my future life, thinking: Who can save me from this misery? Looking at the cold night sky, I thought: Does God really exist? If yes, why did He not save me from this misery? At that time, nothing but just music could comfort me for a while. Sometimes, I came before the computer table, crying out in a high voice. Sometimes, I quietly listened to the world well-known music “More Than Love” that I liked. Listening to the sorrowful tune played on the violin, and thinking back to all that happened to my family, I often burst into tears. I thought to myself time after time: If love is really willed by God, then why was I unable to obtain happiness? Everything was all right in our family, but now, some of my family members either died or left or was imprisoned. And I was breathing like the walking dead, with pains always haunting me. Again, I thought of death: If I die, I will be free, for this world is truly terrible. But my old parents and young child still need me to take care of them. My parents looked much older overnight on account of this matter. How could I bear to abandon them? I could not. I could never forget my father’s tearful face appearing on the computer screen, and that he called out “Liner …” and then quickly moved away the webcam, unable to continue speaking. Looking at the computer monitor, I was almost heartbroken; I didn’t know at that moment, what I should say to comfort his old and helpless heart. I knew that he really could not bear the family disruption of his two children anymore. My father died one year after my husband’s death. But I did not get sad for it, only saying, “That’s really good for him!” I was happy for my father, for I understood him. He couldn’t bear the heavy burden anymore, and death was a relief for him instead. But what about me? What should I do? I did not want to bear these pains and hold on in great difficulty anymore. My family had been shattered with members gone one after another. My way ahead was so dark. I really had no way out.
Afterward, my old auntie, who had formed a friendship with me, told me there was one way to help relieve my pain. So, I looked forward to her coming and obtaining the pleasant surprise from her. In the end, she came over from Shanghai and brought me the. Curiously, I kept asking, “Is there really a God? Does He come to save me? Will I have something to rely on?” I thought to myself: If so, then my miserable life will soon end. Then my old auntie showed me a video of the carrying the cross on His back to Golgotha. Looking at the figure of the Lord Jesus carrying the cross on His back, I felt gnawingly sad in my heart, thinking: Why did the Lord Jesus suffer so much for man? I really hope to know Him. Thinking that He was the God to save me, I felt so close to Him. The auntie said, “You should . Only God can save you. Apart from God, there is no one can help you.” From then on, the scene of the Lord Jesus carrying the cross on His back to Golgotha has been inscribed in my memory all along. I told myself: I should grasp this life-saving straw—the salvation of God.
After that, I read a passage of God’s words, “The Almighty has mercy on these people who suffer deeply. At the same time, He is fed up with these people who have no consciousness, because He has to wait too long for the answer from humans. He desires to seek, seek your heart and your spirit. He wants to bring you food and water and to awaken you, so you are no longer thirsty, no longer hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel the desolation of this world, do not be perplexed, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival any time. He is watching by your side, waiting for you to turn back. He is waiting for the day your memory suddenly recovers: becoming conscious of the fact that you came from God, somehow and somewhere once lost, falling unconscious on the roadside, and then, unknowingly having a father. You further realize that the Almighty has been watching there, awaiting your return all along” (“The Sighing of the Almighty”). As I read the words of God, my face was covered with tears. I said in my heart: My God! You know that living in this world is painful for me. You heard my cry, and You really come to save me. Originally, I had a happy family, and only wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband, but unexpectedly, my family has been shattered. Just as I was losing the direction of life and having no way out, it was You who gave me the hope to continue living, and it was because of Your care and mercy for me that You saved me from the abyss of suffering and death time and again. When I did not have an ounce of strength left, a belief always supported me: Eat properly, stay alive; when I was in despair, You used my child to save me from the edge of death; when I could hardly hold on anymore, through my old auntie preaching the gospel to me, You allow me to shake off the pain and see the light. O God! I know that You have always been by my side, and have been guiding me through people, things and matters, giving me the hope to live on. Thinking of this, my heart was gradually liberated, because I saw the love of God and knew that God has been watching and caring for me all along, waiting for me to go home. Although my family members left me one after one, God didn’t leave me. I said in my heart: O God! You are my reliance! Since then, I led a church life. And being with brothers and sisters, I gained the relaxation and freedom that I had never felt before, and also experienced the warmth of God’s love.
Sometimes, I was still bewildered by the past events. I asked in my heart: I treated my sister-in-law wholeheartedly, but why did she suddenly become so ruthless? And I regarded my husband as the one to whom I could entrust my life, but why was he so determined to cheat on me without regret? Exactly what encouraged them to be together and go onto a path of no return?
Until one day, I read these words of God, “One after another, all these trends carry an evil influence that continually degenerates man, that lowers their morals and their quality of character more and more, to the extent that we can even say the majority of people now have no integrity, no humanity, neither do they have any conscience, much less any reason. … The majority of people, however, in the midst of their unawareness, will still be continually infected, assimilated and attracted by this kind of trend, until they all unknowingly and involuntarily accept it, and are all submerged in and controlled by it. For man who is not of sound body and mind, who never knows what is truth, who cannot tell the difference between positive and negative things, these kinds of trends one after another make them all willingly accept these trends, the life view, the life philosophies and values that come from Satan. They accept what Satan tells them on how to approach life and the way to live that Satan ‘bestows’ on them. They have not the strength, neither do they have the ability, much less the awareness to resist” (“God Himself, the Unique VI”). After finishing reading the words of God, I came to understand: It is Satan that raises and controls the evil trends. It seduces human beings little by little, as a result, we become more and more depraved, and finally fall into sin, unable to extricate ourselves. The reason why my husband and my sister-in-law would engage in such things is that they lived in the evil trends of Satan and were poisoned by these trends. Since my husband, who had always been steady, learnt to surf the Internet, he began to unscrupulously live amid the lust of the flesh in the virtual cyber-world. Additionally, the whole society is evil and licentious, and people all live by these concepts: “Prostitution is better than poverty,” and “To a man without a mistress, his life is boring.” Influenced by these poisons, he became more and more corrupted, revered evil and indulged in the flesh. Ultimately, he completely abandoned the moral baseline. Similarly, my sister-in-law was dominated by the poisonous thought, “A woman without a paramour lives like a pig.” These satanic poisons made them lose their humanity, dignity and character; finally, they came together. In fact, they are not bad, and originally, they once cared for their respective families a lot. But facing the attack of evil trends, they were powerless to resist them and finally fell into the trap set carefully by Satan. Not only did they not obtain any happiness, but ultimately their deeds also caused their families to be shattered instead. Satan’s methods of poisoning people are so cruel. I then thought of my relatives and friends around. Similarly, such tragedies occur unceasingly. Satan has been poisoning each of us; living under Satan’s domain, we are truly pitiful and pathetic. Thank God! It was His words that allow me to see clearly that Satan is the source of man’s corruption. At this point, through the revelation of God’s words, my pain, my complaints of the world and my hatred of my husband and my sister-in-law vanished like smoke in the air.
Subsequently, I saw the words of God, “Only through God can you know the meaning of life, only through God can you live out a real life, possess the truth, know the truth, and only through God can you obtain life from the truth. Only God Himself can help you shun evil and deliver you from the harm and control of Satan. Besides God, no one and nothing can save you from the sea of suffering so that you suffer no longer: This is determined by the essence of God. Only God Himself saves you so selflessly, only God is ultimately responsible for your future, for your destiny and for your life, and He arranges all things for you” (“God Himself, the Unique VI”). In the past, I did not know the existence of God, and I regarded my husband as my only one. I had fully believed that marrying him, I would be happy in the rest of my life. However, in the later experiences, I saw clearly that my husband was unreliable. He could not give me happiness, for he was only a person who lived under the domain of Satan. At the same time, I also saw that only God can protect me from the affliction of Satan. Although so great matter happened to my family, I can live well. This is because of the grace of God. Today, it is God who saved me and brought me to His home. God’s words bring me all active and positive things, allowing me to have discernment, reliance and a released spirit. Although Satan had harmed me, God saved me and gave me a happy life. All the honor and glory be unto God!