By Baihe, Saipan
Longing for the Marriage and Sharing Weal and Woe With My Husband
Qiong Yao’s novels had appealed to me since I was in junior high school. I was always crazy about those romantic love stories which made me harbor many fantasies about my marriage. I thought: I will share weal and woe with the man I love, and grow old together. I don’t ask him to be rich, but all I ask is that he will never leave or forsake me.
In 1993, through a mutual acquaintance, I knew my husband who worked in the same company as me. He was handsome and rather diligent. He would come to my home to help to do work every Sunday. Seeing that, my neighbor praised me for my finding a good boyfriend and I felt quite proud and happy. As a result, with longing for my happy future, I firmly decided to come together with him and built a family. After our marriage, we once sold plants as well as fishes for appreciation in succession. Then, my husband borrowed money to buy a motorbike, and earned extra money by conveying passengers in his spare time after work. I was satisfied with our simple and cozy life at the bottom of my heart.
Seeing the Unusual Behavior of My Husband, I Was So Worried
Unexpectedly, afterward my husband started to get home very late. I asked him why he always came home so late. He either said that he wanted to convey more people or he accompanied his leader to attend social activities. However, my friend told me before long that she frequently saw a woman and my husband went for a joy ride on a motorbike. I felt quite bad after hearing her words. I was unable to resist asking him about this thing after he got home at night, but he answered: “The female passenger expended fare, so I had no reason to refuse to take her. In addition, we’ve been married for so many years, so you should believe me and I’ve never deceived you.” Now that he denied that, I chose to believe him, with no more inquiries. Yet, when I saw that some friends around me got divorced because their husbands gambled at cards outside or cheated on them, then I had a deep fear that my husband would betray me and our family.
Afterward, my husband had more social events and moreover began to attend various parties. He lost his temper and even threw stuff when I only addressed a few questions to him after his getting home. Once, he came home after a party, and said to me: “Our love has faded away. I have had no feelings for you anymore.’ Now there is a popular saying, ‘The red flag flies at home, while colorful flags abound outside.’”(It means that a man does not abandon their wives, while having many affairs or multiple mistresses). My husband’s change made me stare blankly. I even had growing doubts that he had an affair. Thinking of that, I shed floods of tears, feeling like a knife twisting in my heart.
With My Marriage Breaking up, I Felt Distressed and Helpless
Once, I just got to my workplace. A colleague said to me: “Your husband came here today and bought some snacks for Luo Mei. He frequently buys something to eat for her and we are all sick of these snacks.” My mind went blank after I heard that. I thought: Those years I have been pinching and scraping so that we can live a better life while he fawns over other woman outside. Moreover, that woman is my colleague. Thinking of that, I felt as if my head was going to explode. At night, in the dark room, I curled up alone on the bed, with cold tears flowing over my face. I asked myself over and over again: “What’s wrong with my husband? Where is the man whom I didn’t count any cost to willingly entrust my whole life to? I love him with a true heart, but why does he hurt me like this? Why?” I bitterly cried out in my heart. “Get divorced! I needn’t such affection. Yet, what about my child? She is so young, but will she bear the hurt resulting from our divorce?” I was in a quandary, because I would be in pain no matter which choice I made. I didn’t find the way to solve the problem, and was unwilling to resign myself to fate. In a fit of anger, in order to get my revenge on my husband, I began to look for male net friends on the Internet to have a chat with. I poured out my sorrow and pain to them, and aired my grievance against my husband. I could only get temporary comfort when they sympathized with my sufferings, said some words of comfort or consideration, or showed good feeling for me. Nevertheless, I felt even more empty and distressed in the face of reality.
What’s more, my husband didn’t control himself slightly, and even stayed out all night. Once he threw the bottle on the floor after drinking at home and shouted: “If we can’t continue together, we can get divorced.” At that moment, I flipped the end table over with a desperate effort, roared with all anger and grievances hidden at the bottom of my heart: “If you want to divorce, I will agree. Don’t threaten me with it.” After our arguing, I couldn’t find my child anywhere. As a result, I discovered she was so afraid that she hid under the bed. I felt exceedingly bad when seeing her frightened stare, and then cried with her in my arms.
In October of 2002, I sued for a divorce. Then I ended the marriage which was painful for me. During that time, I lost my appetite and always woke up with tears at night. Sometimes I was even too upset to fall asleep, and then I listened to the radio. Yet, I still could not fall sleep even though the evening show had been over. I wrote down my experiences for the purpose of getting rid of the pain, and contributed to the program of The Voice of the Soul on the radio. Hearing the compere tell my story, I got a touch of comfort for a moment. However, after that, pain was still my shadow. Feeling utterly hopeless, I chose to climb mountains. Climbing to the top of mountains, I exhausted my strength to yell to vent my emotions. I forgot that how many times I looked up at the sky in agony and desired Heaven to rescue me and my daughter who were miserable.
God’s Salvation Befell Me by Chance
At the very moment when I was in the midst of pain and despair, late one night I heard one word on the radio by accident: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). I, who had no ideas about God, felt an unaccountable sense of being moved by this word, having a sudden sense of being loved. When I heard the compere saying the words of “Only God has true love” and “God’s love is everlasting,” I was deeply attracted by them and was thirsty for the eternal love in my heart.
I was grateful that God heard my cry at the bottom of my heart. Subsequently, God’s kingdomcame upon me. Then I lived a church life and sang hymns to praise God with my brothers and sisters. They communicated their own experiences, which greatly benefited me. I lived under the guidance of God’s words, and I once again found confidence and courage for living.
The Revelation of God’s Words Undid My Knot in My Mind
However, as soon as I thought my husband had hurt me deeply, my heart was filled with resentment and I couldn’t get released. Yet, I didn’t let go of it until I saw a passage of God’s words one day: “When the wind of a trend blows through, perhaps only a small number of people will become the trendsetters. They start off doing this kind of thing, accepting this kind of idea or this kind of perspective. The majority of people, however, in the midst of their unawareness, will still be continually infected, assimilated and attracted by this kind of trend, until they all unknowingly and involuntarily accept it, and are all submerged in and controlled by it. For man who is not of sound body and mind, who never knows what is truth, who cannot tell the difference between positive and negative things, these kinds of trends one after another make them all willingly accept these trends, the life view, the life philosophies and values that come from Satan. They accept what Satan tells them on how to approach life and the way to live that Satan ‘bestows’ on them. They have not the strength, neither do they have the ability, much less the awareness to resist.” By reading God’s words, I understood: We humans have no truth, and are unable to differentiate between the positive things from the negative things because we have no truth. We can’t help being corrupted and influenced by the evil thoughts of Satan such as “Woman won’t love a man unless he is bad,” “Man without a mistress is like a body without a soul,” “Woman without a lover is like a flower without fragrance,” “one night stand,” etc. Those satanic evil trends have corrupted our hearts and we all accept and follow them as the positive things, even as a symbol of being rich and powerful, which causes the evil phenomena of “finding a mistress” and “being a gold-digger” to prevail among the society, which causes many happy families to break up and to be full of pain.
I recalled that I had lived a happy life with my husband in the past. However, he was deceived by the evil ideological trend of “The red flag flies at home, while colorful flags abound outside” that prevails among the society, so he even thought that finding other woman outside proved that he had ability. Hence, he never cared for my child and me. What’s more, that woman knew my husband was a man of family, but she still broke my family as a third party. In fact, they were both the victims of the evil trends and lost conscience and sense that a normal human should possess because they were all corrupted by the evil thoughts of Satan. Thinking of myself, I was also the victim of the evil trends. The novels instilled the idea of romantic and loyal love into me, so I always imagined that my husband and I could go through thick and thin, and spend our lives together. Yet, when my dream was shattered, I lost the joy of living, in tears every day, had no appetite for food, and lived a muddleheaded and miserable life. At that moment, I knew it was Satan that brought the pain to me.
Experiencing God’s Love and Grasping God’s Grace
Under the guidance of God’s words, I saw through the origin of the world’s evil and darkness and put aside my grudge against my husband, so my heart felt a release as never before. I saw a passage of God’s words afterward: “So if someone doesn’t, what will their final end be? (They will go down into hell.) If someone doesn’t believe in God then naturally they will do whatever they desire, do bad things, do evil, will become corrupted deeper and deeper, become more and more evil and increasingly deaf to reason, so what will they become in the end? In the end they will become living ghosts, won’t they? They will seem to speak and work just like people, but their whole disposition, their whole temperament will have become entirely that of a ghost. If they wholly become ghosts, what then is their final end? Won’t they share the same end as Satan? They will be completely captured by Satan and become one with it.” “Whenever Satan corrupts man or engages in unbridled harm, God does not stand idly by, neither does He brush aside or turn a blind eye to those He has chosen. All that Satan does is perfectly clear and understood by God. No matter what Satan does, no matter what trend it causes to arise, God knows all that Satan is trying to do, and God does not give up on those He has chosen. Instead, without attracting any attention, secretly, silently, God does everything that is necessary.” As I contemplated God’s words, I felt deeply moved. When I thought of it, if I had not believed in God, I couldn’t imagine what would happen to me. Satan uses all kinds of tricks to corrupt and slaughter us so that we fall into the temptation of its evil ideological trends. Then we live in the place of promiscuity and become more degenerate, absolutely without the likeness of man, and finally we will be carried off and swallowed up by Satan. However, God neither gives us up nor ignores us, but silently expresses the truth to save us from Satan’s slaughter. God protects all people who can from being completely carried off by Satan. I think back on the road I’ve taken, and it is God that has been quietly protecting me by my side. When I felt sad and hopeless in the face of my husband’s betrayal, God’s salvation came upon me in time. I heard the words of God and could understand and distinguish the evil and corruption of Satan and the root of the world becoming depraved, which undid my knot in my mind, and made me have something to trust in and have confidence for living. Through experiencing these things, I deeply understand God’s true love for me. I set my determination: I’m willing to follow God forever, and fulfill my duty in my power to repay God’s love.
Nowadays, my daughter has also accepted God’s work of the last days and has fulfilled her duty in the church. When living the church life with our brothers and sisters, we lay bare our corrupt dispositions we reveal in our life, seek the truth to solve them and pursue a change in disposition. As regards my distress in the past, I have already cast it to the winds. Thank God for His salvation! My husband betrayed me, but I’ve come before God for this reason, believed in Him and walked down the bright path of life which God showed me. I can’t help praying to God: “God, I’m willing to give the rest of my life to You, to diligently pursue the truth and to live out a valuable and meaningful life. Amen!”